Monday, September 7, 2009

Cry me a River...

From time to time, I get very overwhelmed with life. And, I don't know what to do about it...sometimes I feel like I have nobody to talk to, so I just hold it all in. I have decided to let it all This is my blog right? I can do whatever i'm crying my river on here.....
I should be ECSTATIC right about now. It is 5 days til the race at Richmond. I have tickets, AND a bunch of cool VIP stuff, like, pit passes, and tickets to the post race Chase celebration, where I may be very close to some of my fav nascar hotties. Yet....I am not excited. I am sitting here crying instead. Im not even sure I am looking forward to the weekend. When I originally planned this weekend, it was well...MONTHS ago....and it was going to be me and 4 of my gal pals going out for 'ladies night at the track'. My birthday is 2 days after the race, and THIS is what I wanted for my birthday. I asked my husband if he could arrange to have the weekend off so I could spend the weekend at the track, which is something that i just LOVE. Within the past week, it has just all gone to shit. Of the 5 original ladies that were going, 2 have bailed. I don't blame them, life happens....they can't go. My poor BFF has to drive up here after she gets off work on thursday, which is MIDNIGHT! I am so worried about her driving all night. And then I know she will be tired on Friday, which I d on't blame her at all, i want her to rest up. This possibly means not going to the track on Friday. A sacrifice i am willing to make for her...she is going to alot of trouble to get here. My other friend who is still coming, we have a guy coming..LOL! No more 'ladies' night....oh least she is still coming, I would have been super bummed if she didn't come. I just want everything to go smoothly...and have a fun day at the track, like i have beenlooking forward to. wish i could get this empty feeling out of my stomach.
And then there is the other drama that surrounded the race for the past week. My husband found out...he has to work! So, i had no babysitter. Over a MONTH ago, I asked my MIL if she would be willing to come down here a few days earlier than she originally planned just in case this happened. My husbands entire family is headed here a few days after the race for my BIL's chief induction ceremony on the 16th. I figured, my MIL could come a few days early, to help me out in case Jaime had to work. This was like i said, over a month ago i asked. She told me she had a doctors appt on that friday and she didn't want to reschedule it. This disappointed me. Honestly, I have rescheduled TONS of appts if something else came up, to me , others are more important. I'm nto saying she doesnt' feel this way, it just disappointed me. And then, wehn it came down to no shit, he really has to work, well, we had noone. I had made arrangements to drive my kids to PITTSBURGH (from virginia, where i live...7 hour drive) on friday and then go get them on sunday, just so I could go to the damn race, which is supposed to be my birthday present.Even with that, she was still unwilling to budge on the doctors appt. This sereiously upsets me. Seriously. I bend over backwards for others all the time. Do you know how many roadtrips i have made alone with my kids to go visit others??? ALOT! Seems like I do it all the time. People don't realize it is not an easy thing to do, and it has a major effect on me for a very long time after I make those trips, wears me OUT! But...I do it. And I will continue to do it, it is important to visit and help out family in my opinion.
but now I am straying from the main piont. Turns out now, Jaime is saying he will be able to be home on Saturday and I can go to the race as planned. So sad that i am not excited about it...but all this has just well..taken something away from it for me I suppose. I hope I start to feel better as the week goes on...but at this point, I just have this empty feeling in my stomach.

On to other things...thta is just a stream....and i said i was crying a river. My life here at home. well....I hate it. I feel so overwhelmed all the time. there is so much to do, and I just don't have the energy. I think I am so overwhelmed by it all, that i just sit and do nothing, which essentially makes it worse. my husband, well, he doesnt help me. he has the attitude that since he works, he doesn't have to do anything around the house . every once in a while, he will do like one thing..but rarely. it would never occur to him to maybe help me with the dishes, or shit, even just sit and talk to me while i wash them. nope. he just plays xbox all day. and smokes cigarettes. that's it. i do evertying. cook, laundry, dishes, careing for the kids. everything. when do i get a day off? granted, a little while back, i DID get like a little over 48 hours off when i drove to my BFF's house for the weekend. it was such a SHORT time though! It just FLEW BY! Everytime I am washing the dishes now, for some reason, i cry. i don't know why, i just cry. i just hate it so much that i feel like i am always washign dishes. i dread it so much. when we are sitting down eating, i can't even enjoy my meal ever because i am thinking about how i am going to have to clean it all up when we're done. it sucks. i know....waa waa waa...right? i chose to be a stay at home mom right? i get to stay home all day and not work. is not all it is cracked up to be. i rarely get to sit down for more than 5 miinutes before one of my kids needs/wants something or is running to me crying and tattling on the other one. it is not fun. i think my husband loves his xbox more than me. he spends way more time with it than me. i asked him the other day if it would kill him to spend 5 minutes talking to me when he gets home from work before he runs to the machine.....he just said, 'ok', and then well..ran back down the hall to the xbox. it will never happen. he will continue to love thexbox more than me. what can i do? nothing. honestly, maybe i love my computer more than him. but...i feel i have been forced into this. what else can i do? i have retreated into my own little world here online due to lack of a real life at home. so if i say he is addicted to his xbox, i have to be fair and say i am addicted to my computer as well. but...i would give it up if i was asked to. he douesnt' seem to care though. he rarely notices me anymore i don't think. my birthday is a week from today. i would be willing to bet he doesn't get me anything. instead, i will spend the entire day cleaning in preparation for his family to arrive. nice....

now lets dive a bit deeper into my little 'fantasy' world i live is so unhealthy. i am addicted to twitter.almost always have tweetdeck up on here (shockingly, i haven't logged on today yet) my fav fantasy guy michael waltrip lives on twitter. i always look forward to reading his tweets and tweeting to him. i get all giddy every tiem he writes back to me. it is sick really. what do i think is going to happen? he is going to sweep me off my feet and take me away? not likely. yet, i sit and fantasize about it, like it REALLY will happen. honestly, im not even sure if that is a good fantasy! what kind of life woudl that be? not any better than where i am now most likely. so why can't i pull myself away from it? i really need to, it is really not healthy for me. alot of what i do isn't healthy, but i feel like i am stuck in this downward spiral and i just can't reverse it. i drink almost every day, probably more than i should. i just am so unhappy and when i drink, makes thing a little bit better..sort of. Funny though that Michael Waltrip actually tweeted me once about alcohol.....he said to me, and i quote: "careful sister. itll make you feel single and see double" i think he is right! but then again, i feel single all the time. i feel so alone. so i drink, come out of my shell and pretend to be happy and loving life. it is all a lie. i'm not really happy, alcohol just helps me fool myself. for those couple hours a day is a release. an unhealthy one, but a release. what else can i do to escape? not sure. wish i knew.
if i dont get out of this rut soon, i think i am going to hit rock bottom and it scares teh shit out of me. i hate feeling like this everyday. i hate everything about me actually. i am extremely overweight, and well, this depression is not helping. the worse i feel, the less energy i have, the harder it is to do anything. i sit and eat instead of doing someting beneficial to me. i don't know. not even sure what writing this has accomplished. honestly, i'[m pretty sure not many people, if anyone will read it, which may not be so bad. i think i just needed to get it out. i noticed that if i don't post links to my blog posts all over the place, noone ever actually comes here. i have to put bright flashy links out there saying 'please come read my blog!!!' for anyone to actually read it. im not going to do that for this post.
im not looking for pity. i just needed to get it out there, and off my chest i feel so horrible right now. i have been having small anxiety attacks, which are getting worse, for the past few days. i need to do someting to make it better. just not sure what. i know i have probaby brought this all on myself, my actions have led to my current state. i can't blame anyone else for it. so i will have to be teh one to change it, i just don't know how. i am scared.


  1. Tracey,

    If you need to talk to someone, you know you can count on me. I've been through the same thing that you are going through and I know it isn't easy!! And remember, I have girls old enough to babysit on the weekend if you want to have a few hours to yourself to do something!

    Love ya,

  2. I am sorry you are having a rough time. I hope things get better for you soon. Take care of yourself.

  3. Tracey....You and I need to have a Web cam conversation!!! I have so much to say to you, but I can't express it here. When is a good time for you?? Tonight? DH is out of town and I have nothing to do!!!!


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